Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.