FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
constantly working on myself.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I didn’t realize that was an option