I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck