My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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LOL!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work