Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
This line from Airplane.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.