I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]