Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV