The devil.
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.