My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
this has to be peak English
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.