Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
cry laughing at this shit
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.