Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice