My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.