[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
You Might Also Like
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.