POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
oh shit
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
23. the denim jacket
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats