I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
WWE is French for “yes”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love