Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Smells like a challenge to me
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs