HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I saw this ending much differently.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.