ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
This a good idea
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
What fresh Hell is this?!?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%