my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You Might Also Like
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.