Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
What
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.