The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings