The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.