Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*