The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
just gave your address to some spiders
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
rapatouille
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”