Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it