I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.