You Might Also Like
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”