Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁