The pen is writier than the sword.
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If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.