shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
You Might Also Like
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.