Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I’m a bad influence on myself.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
when you are just born a rebel
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.