Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.