I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop