2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
You Might Also Like
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.