Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
You Might Also Like
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
mathematically impossible
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.