The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.