Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I drew y’all a little something.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
TODAY
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]