interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Double negatives are never not confusing.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.