ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.