Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
adam and eve had first world problems
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
huge if true: the moon
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”