why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
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[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: