Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.