Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
That’s classic.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…