U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations