Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
yeah not falling for this one
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.