Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Cause of death: Zumba
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Not today, today.
Not today.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.