interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room