If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
File under excellent bookstore names.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?