Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.