I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.